There are some real dangers in writing about the sort of topics we talk about here. When we are concerned with matters of the psyche, spirit, soul and mind we come dangerously close to touching on matters of “mental health.”
When we are concerned with ethics, action and decision-making under conditions of stress and uncertainty, we come dangerously close to the realm of “morality.”
When we start making statements and suggestions about what we should do about the things we encounter in life, we find ourselves squarely in the domain of giving “advice.”
…oof….
Advice.
Here’s a definition I found for the word “advice”: guidance or recommendations offered with regard to prudent future action.
It pains me to admit it, but by that definition I’m a person who sometimes doles out “advice.” It isn’t medical advice and I hope to God it doesn’t come across as “mental health” advice, but it is, unavoidably, advice.
Prudent future actions.
I’m not living your life (hell, a significant portion of the time it barely feels like I’m living my own) so I can’t tell you with 100 percent certainty what to do about the situations you will face in that life.
I have, however, been through some shit, succeeded at some shit, failed at exponentially more shit, and seen all multivarious manner of shit go down in my time. In light of this, it seems my prudent action is to tell you what I think and trust you to decide what, if anything, to do about it.
What if I give you advice and it simply doesn’t work? Well, lots of things don’t work out like we’d intend, so you’re out the effort invested and not much else.
What if I give you advice and it’s counterproductive, maybe even risky? Well, lots of things we do carry risk. People vary widely in their tolerance or aversion to risk, as well as their clarity and skill in evaluating it rationality. I believe there are things we can do to develop a healthier relationship to risk, but that’s a topic for a different day.
My concern today is with a third scenario.
What if I give you advice that would be very difficult for you to implement-perhaps almost impossibly so- given your present circumstances or prior history? Have I committed malpractice here? Am I preaching some kind of bootstrappism?
Here are two things I’ve observed that might help us answer that question.
1.) Many effective things that count as “prudent action for the future” are quite simply stated. Sometimes absurdly so. (think “Spend less than you earn.” “Don’t eat more food than you should.”)
2.) Almost all things that are effective at producing significant positive change are also quite difficult to implement, at least in the beginning.
The manner in which these interventions are difficult differs considerably, as do the individual circumstances we have to contend with. The consistent factor is that if something is likely do much good at bringing positive change into your life, you can bet it’s probably not going to be particularly easy.
It makes sense though doesn’t it? If there was something easy you could do about whatever it is that’s vexing you, wouldn’t you already be doing it?
Sometimes the obstacles to implementation are external to us. The available options we have can be constrained or facilitated by factors like our access to resources, our mental, emotional and physical health status, or our gendered and racial identities. Advice Givers don’t always acknowledge the role these things can play, leaving seekers and recipients potentially frustrated, disempowered- even humiliated- if they fail to adapt the advice to the realities of their own situation.
“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”
―Maya Angelou, Letter to My Daughter
Often, however, obstacles to implementation are internal. This does NOT mean that they are insignificant. In many cases internal factors are the most challenging to overcome. Furthermore it’s not always clear which class of obstacle we’re dealing with. Doing the work to clarify this can itself be a powerful challenge. Remember, though, that this can be a clue that focusing our efforts on these challenges may offer the greatest rewards
There’s a simple (notice again, I didn’t say ‘easy’) two-step process that can help when we are in this dilemma.
1.) Look around.
2.) Ask yourself, “is there anything at all I could do about this?”
The wording of the second step is important.
“Can I fix this completely?” “Can I solve this?” “Is this all my fault?” “Did someone else put me into this situation unfairly?” All of these questions we might be tempted to ask. To be sure, there are times when they are exactly the right question to ask.
This is not that time. Our only concern right here, right now, is whether “there is anything at all I could do about this?”
If there’s anything at all that can be done about the situation, there’s an optional third and fourth step to add when you’re ready.
3.) Do the thing.
4. ) See what happens.
The third and fourth step don’t have to be added right away and can be worked up to. Merely noticing when we have control and when we don’t sets into motion important shifts.
With practice, our anxiety about things we cannot directly influence can lessen. With practice we may find that our assessment of what actually is within our control widens. When that happens, what psychologist Julian Rotter termed the “locus of control” (the degree to which we believe that we have control over the outcomes of our lives, as opposed to how much is subject to external forces) can itself start to grow and expand.
This is important for anything we wish to accomplish, whether as individuals or as communities.
By itself, a strong belief that we can change things is no guarantee that the changes we desire will manifest. Even “magic” doesn’t quite work that way.
The absence of a strong belief, however, is an almost sure guarantee that the changes we desire will die in the water without ever coming to pass. Let’s then do what we can to foster that strong belief in our abilities to affect change.
None of this is easy to do, but it is simple.
Two steps.
Look around. See if there’s anything you could do about it.
You can start right here, wherever that happens to be.
The next episode of Golden Shadow’s Dialectical Tarot series is set for Monday, August 16th at 6 PM Eastern. The response to this series has been great and it’s been an absolute blast to participate. Tune in to the live stream here