Self-worth, self-love, self-respect.
We use these words a lot, and often interchangeably, but rarely consider them to any great degree. Almost universally, we speak of them as qualities people “should” have, but there’s little practical discussion of what they mean, how they overlap and differ, how to attain them, and WHY it’s so difficult for so many of us to experience them.
This week, two visions of self-conception have been sticking with me and asking for my attention, so I want to explore that.
A couple days ago I watched David Lowery’s new film The Green Knight, starring Dev Patel as the legendary Arthurian hero Sir Gawain. It’s a strange film. Not the strangest I’ve ever seen, by any stretch, but I do find it sort of incredible that it ever got made through the Hollywood system and saw a wide theatrical release, even “in these unprecedented times.”
The film is an adaptation of the medieval chivalric romance Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. It is the story of an unproven and untested young man to show himself to be a worthy knight. Gawain comes from a privileged background, and though it is clear that many, including his Uncle, The King, see a great deal of potential in him, it’s equally clear that he has yet to make good on any of that.
When the mysterious and not-quite-human Green Knight visits the court where Gawain is in attendance the opportunity presents itself for Gawain to test his mettle and win the acclaim and respect he longs for. I will try to avoid spoilers, but as Gawain embarks on his adventures, he is continually confronted with moral dilemmas in addition to the perilous ordeals he faces, and the decisions he makes don’t always sit well with either the viewer or him. Finally, his entire conception of what honor actually means is called into question.
It was a fascinating film to experience. In some ways everything that happens is completely predictable, yet hardly a shot or line of dialogue didn’t bring some sense of surprise or tension. It had a lingering effect on me after the credits were done, asking me to consider my own journeys and initiations. I find myself examining my goals, my aspirations, my desires, my values, my motivations and my relationships and seeing them in a different light.
It strikes me as odd to see a contemporary film that takes the concept of honor SERIOUSLY. In this culture where Disney/MCU/Star Wars has a stranglehold on the mythopoetic imagination, themes of honor typically are handled one of two ways. Sometimes it gets the traditional treatment, taken as a given for the standard macho action revenge flick (which don’t get me wrong, I love…) Other times, (increasingly?) it is presented only as its Shadow aspect, deconstructed and treated as [at best] an anachronism or [at worst] a dangerous and maladaptive byproduct of patriarchy.
Yet here is a piece of fantastical cinema which asks us to look at this concept for two hours and question why it exists, what purpose it serves, how it goes wrong, how it might actually be attained, and how it relates to our actual lives and challenges, far removed from it’s medieval/fantasy setting.
The other conception of self-worth that’s been pinging me came in the form of some clips I ran across on Instagram of a podcast appearance by writer Alok Vaid-Menon on the Man Enough podcast. Alok speaks of their experience growing up as a “boy” who was always seen as “too much of a girl, a pussy, a faggot.” Ironically, now as a gender non-conforming person, they’re constantly told, “no, you’re actually a man.”
They came to internalize a belief that the only way they would ever be worthy of love was if they became exceptional. They were driven to achieve academically and intellectually as a way to gain worthiness of the love they so desperately longed for.
Alok does indeed strike me as an exceptional person. I found myself moved, stirred and challenged by their words in a way I couldn’t quite articulate. There is an evident wisdom and authority born of reflection, pain, suffering and transcendence that absolutely commands attention.
I’m left wondering what it means that my attention had to be commanded. Is the full humanity of those around us so often missed simply because we so often can ignore it? What would it mean to truly see everyone we interacted with? Is this sustainable or even advisable as a goal?
I’m left wondering how Alok’s passionate argument for the recognition of their dignity based on the undeniable presence of the Divine spark moving in them (and truly, in all of us) would have found me if it were not for their honorable bearing.
I’m thinking about James Baldwin, and how he so passionately and eloquently articulated things that in retrospect should never have needed to be articulated. But maybe that’s just how it is.
When a modern person reads the Gospels, everything Jesus says can almost seem pretty obvious two thousand years later, but it was so upsetting at the time that the powers that felt compelled to nail him to a cross and torture him to the death in response to the kinds of things he was running around saying.
I’m left thinking about the curious relationship between honor (the idea that our self-worth must be won to be justified) and dignity (the concept that we all have an intrinsic value utterly separate from our accomplishments). Alok says their work is about challenging all harmful binaries, not just the gender one. Perhaps the dichotomy between honor and dignity, as exemplified here by Gawain and Alok is another binary that can needlessly restrict us.
These two paths to Knighthood may have more in common than it appears on the surface. Gawain embarks on an adventure in the outer world, only to encounter increasingly strange projections of his inner state that must be reckoned with. Alok’s external achievement and presence flow from a deep awareness and connection to the internal conception of who they have always been, even before they consciously knew it.
A few archetypes from the Tarot come to mind with regard to these paths.
In the fictional Green Knight, we see depicted the developmental struggle experienced to progress from the Page of Coins to the Knight of Pentacles .
In the very real Alok we meet the Knight of Cups, offering us a taste of waters drawn up from a very deep well.
The Page of Coins is who Gawain is when we meet him. He is unsure of himself. He has access to more money, privilege and potential than he knows what to do with. He is physically an adult, but still underdeveloped and largely under the sway and influence of his family and the court he is not fully a contributing member of.
If he is to become a true knight, he must confront and integrate his passions, his desires, his personality, his ambitions and his creaturely needs. There is much in the symbolism of Gawain’s Pentangle that speaks to this, but I don’t want to spoil the fun by elaborating too much on it here.
To me, Alok presents a different type of Knight, the Knight of Cups.
Alok approaches us with an open hand and a gesture of offering. There is no weapon displayed or visible, yet there is a sense that we are encountering a formidable person here. The source of this strength is, as Alok puts it “an unshakable, an irrevocable sense of who they are.”
Some interpreters of the Tarot have described the Knight of Cups as the most “feminine” of the knights. We may look at this character and see a masculine presence guarding and stewarding a vessel containing the fluid substance of our interiority. We may alternately see a feminine presence approaching us with a martial demeanor and a commanding bearing. It seems appropriate then that we should find an analog in Alok, who is masculine, feminine, both and neither at once.
We might imagine that the Cup the Knight carries is filled with deep self-knowledge and self-love. Rather than being threatened with it, we are offered a chance to partake of its essence and, in doing so, find some compassion for ourselves. Alok is not asking anyone to fight for them, rather we are invited to fight for ourselves and our own healing.
I think both kinds of Knight can be important models for us. As we move through life there may be occasion to inhabit either role at various times.
Two contradictory truths to consider:
1.) We are not often the person we know we could be, and the only way to discover that potential is to go out into the world, crash into things, and let the challenges we encounter strip away our illusions, however painfully it might happen.
2.) Our deepest, truest Self is and always has been enough. We are made in the image of the Divine and there is nothing that can remove that light from us. Our task is to cherish and tend it’s light, bask it in, and shine it brightly for others.
Maybe these things aren’t as contradictory as they seem at first glance.
Things I found interesting:
A question worth asking. If no one else had it, would you still want it?
Do you know what your “Core Motivational Drive” is?
Thank you for reading. Thanks also for the thoughtful feedback so many of you have given to my previous entries, and for sharing my writing with others you feel might enjoy it.
If you’re interested in working together with the Tarot, don’t hesitate to contact me for a consultation.